Practical Magic

I’m at a fashion crossroads. I’ve been travelling down The Gap Street and I’m afraid it’s come to an abrupt end where it meets The Glam Road.

Becoming fabulously successful is hard work, and you have to dress the part. To prepare for some serious shopping, I consulted every glam girl’s trend bible: In Style magazine. After perusing a few pictorial spreads showing how to replicate celebrity styles at mortal prices, my eyes froze upon what can only be described as a fashion sacrilege.

The title of the article was “Six Perfect Pairs of Moccasins”. I can just about accept that some people might enjoy metallic ballet-style flats, or sequined slippers that parade as shoes, but moccasins? Unless you’re Pocahontas, there is simply no need to wear moccasins – ever. No amount of color or decoration will elevate these above Hush Puppy penny loafers circa 1981.

I promptly recycled the In Style and turned to the television for shopping inspiration. (Distractions are needed after the deposing of a deity.) I stumbled upon a marathon of “What Not to Wear” re-runs. I’ve now learned so many rules about what NOT to wear, that I have nothing TO wear.

Adding to my pre-existing, irrational fear of belts, I am now told not to wear color with black and that I shouldn’t leave the house without something called “magic knickers”.

That evening I tramped back and forth to my closet hoping for something – anything – to reveal itself as the perfect outfit…in the same way I’ve been known to intermittently open the fridge door hoping that the perfect sandwich will somehow appear even though I haven’t been to the store in weeks.

Finally, I settled on jeans and a black shirt and decided that I could indeed leave the house because, after all, I bring my own magic to my knickers.